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This is the page to come to if you want a bit of light relief. Once again, contributions are most welcome. If you have a funny story to tell, share it with us. We’ll post it up on this page along with a full credit.

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On this page you’ll find true stories of dumb criminals, loopy lawyers and barmy barristers. Enjoy.

If only all criminals were as dumb as this bunch.
Keeping the peace would be a doddle!

Where’s My Wallet?
A Florida man, who robbed two men at gunpoint in their homes, dropped his wallet as he left and then called police to ask if they found the wallet.  They said they did.  They asked him to come down and claim it.  He did.

Did I Say That?!
Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who  just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives  asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, "Give me all  your money or I'll shoot," the man shouted, "That's not what I  said!"

What Is That Smell?
A New Jersey man hosted a party and long after everyone had left, he smelled what he thought to be bodily gas. Knowing it was not him, he quickly called the police. The officers discovered a man in the closet waiting to commit robbery.

This Iz A Stikkup!
San Francisco: A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch and wrote "this iz a stikkup.  Put all your muny in this bag." While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the cashier, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo Bank. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo cashier. She read it and, guessing from his spelling errors that he was not the sharpest knife in the drawer, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to the Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said "OK" and left. The Wells Fargo cashier then called the police who arrested the man a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.

The following questions were taken from official court records nationwide. Some lawyers really should learn to engage the brain before
they open their mouths…

Was that the same nose you broke as a child?

Now, doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until the next morning?

Q: What happened then?
A: He told me, he says, 'I have to kill you because you can identify me.'
Q: Did he kill you?

Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?

The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?

Were you alone or by yourself?

How long have you been a French Canadian?

Do you have any children or anything of that kind?

Q: I show you exhibit A and ask you if you recognize that picture.
A: That's me.
Q: Were you present when that picture was taken?

Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?

Q: Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are now?
A: I'll be three months on November 8.
Q: Apparently, then, the date of conception was August 8?
A: Yes.
Q: What were you doing at that time?

Q: Mrs. Jones, do you believe you are emotionally stable?
A: I used to be.
Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

So you were gone until you returned?

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there girls?

You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?

Q: You say that the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

Q: Have you lived in this town all your life?
A: Not yet.

A Texas attorney, realizing he was on the verge of unleashing a stupid question, interrupted himself and said, "Your Honor, I'd like to strike the next question."

Q: Do you recall approximately the time that you examined the body of Mr. Edington at the rose Chapel?
A: It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Edington was dead at the time, is that correct?
A: No, you stupid, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy!

Only one member of the public turned up for a discussion, organised by Bath and North East Somerset Council, to find ways of combating voter apathy. Bristol Evening Post.

The government produced an 86 page report on how to open a plastic bag, it cost £100,000. The Mirror

Nearly a quarter of all pensioners go without meals because they can't afford them. On the same page, another story reported that MP's (who have 15 restaurants and cafes at their disposal) want an additional restaurant on the Commons terrace so they can see the Thames. Daily Telegraph.

25% of all reported rape victims are children.

The NSPCC have asked the government to give the police the extra £24Million it needs to properly monitor the individuals on the sex offender register. READ MORE

Half of all school children under the age 11 have been a victim of bullying. READ MORE

Commercial music piracy rises by a third in a year

Every 32 seconds someone's home is broken into.

69% of people arrested test positive for one or more illegal drugs.

Around 20% of successful burglaries are through open windows or unlocked doors

Only half of all burglaries happen when a home is empty.

In many burglaries, it takes the thief just 5 minutes to break in, steal property and leave.

Half a million vehicles are stolen in the UK every year.

Vehicle crime accounts for more than a quarter of all reported crime.

40 percent of stolen vehicles are never returned to their owners.

Older cars are more likely to be stolen than newer ones

Property is stolen from cars every 13 seconds in England and Wales

More than 30 percent of vehicle crime happens in car parks

Every year some 210,000 people go missing in the UK

Children are five times more likely to be victims of mobile phone theft than adults. - READ MORE

Apparently, these laws still apply so watch out. Admittedly, trying to to enforce them would be a whole different issue.

• Any person found breaking a boiled egg at the sharp end will be sentenced to 24 hours in the village stocks.

• Chelsea Pensioners may not be impersonated.

• You may not fish on Sundays for salmon.

• All English males over the age 14 are to carry out 2 or so hours of longbow practice a week, supervised by the local clergy.

• It is illegal to be a drunk in possession of a cow.

• London Hackney Carriages (taxis/cabs) must carry a bale of hay and a sack of oats.

• If someone knocks on your door and requires the use of your commode, you must let them enter.

• A licence is required to keep a lunatic.

• Any person found guilty of "harbouring a Catholic priest" can be tortured or even hanged.

• Committing suicide is classified as a capital crime.

• Placing a postage stamp that bears the Queen (or King) upside down is treason.

• You can only shoot a Welsh person with a bow and arrow inside the city walls and after midnight.

• All land must be left to the eldest son.

• It is illegal for a woman to be topless in public except as a clerk in a tropical fish store. 

• MPs are not allowed to wear armour in Parliament.

• Excluding Sundays, it is perfectly legal to shoot a Scotsman with a bow and arrow.

• It is illegal to eat mince pies on Christmas day.

• Destroying or defacing money is illegal.

• You may not make out in public.

• It is legal for a male to urinate in public, as long it is on the rear wheel of his motor vehicle and his right hand is on the vehicle.

• No cows may be driven down the roadway between 10 am and 7 pm unless there is prior approval from the Commissioner of Police.

• A bed may not be hung out of a window.

• It is illegal for a lady to eat chocolates on a public conveyance.

• Any boy under the age of 10 may not see a naked manequin.

So you think some of our laws are stupid? We haven’t even scratched the surface. The USA is awash with dumb laws that, once again, still apply. There are far too many to mention here, so we’ve given you a choice selection…..for now. We’ll update this shortly to give you more laws to marvel at.

Alabama

• It is illegal for a driver to be blindfolded while operating a vehicle.

• It is illegal to wear a fake moustache that causes laughter in church.

Alaska

• Moose may not be viewed from an airplane.

• It is considered an offence to push a live moose out of a moving airplane.

Arizona

• When being attacked by a criminal or burglar, you may only protect yourself with the same weapon that the other person possesses.

• It is illegal for men and women over the age of 18 to have less than one missing tooth visible when smiling.

Arkansas

• A man can legally beat his wife, but not more than once a month.

California

• Animals are banned from mating publicly within 1,500 feet of a tavern, school, or place of worship.

• It is illegal for a secretary to be alone in a room with her boss.

• Persons classified as "ugly" may not walk down any street.

Connecticut

• In order for a pickle to officially be considered a pickle, it must bounce.

• You may not educate dogs.

Delaware

• It is illegal to fly over any body of water, unless one is carrying sufficient supplies of food and drink.

Florida

• If an elephant is left tied to a parking meter, the parking fee has to be paid just as it would for a vehicle.

• You may not fart in a public place after 6 P.M. on Thursdays.

• It is considered an offence to shower naked.

Georgia

• It is illegal for a chicken to cross the road.

• Though it is illegal to spit from a car or bus, citizens may spit from a truck.

Hawaii

• Coins are not allowed to be placed in one's ears.

Idaho

• It is illegal for a man to give his sweetheart a box of candy weighing less than fifty pounds. (I like that one! – ED)

• Riding a merry-go-round on Sundays is considered a crime.

Illinois

• Law forbids eating in a place that is on fire.

Indiana

• It is illegal for a liquor store to sell cold soft drinks.

• Within four hours of eating garlic, a person may not enter a movie house, theatre, or ride a bus

• It is illegal for barbers to threaten to cut off kid's ears.

Iowa

• One-armed piano players must perform for free.

• A man with a moustache may never kiss a woman in public.

Kansas

• If two trains meet on the same track, neither shall proceed until the other has passed.  

Kentucky

• All bees entering Kentucky shall be accompanied by certificates of health, stating that the apiary from which the bees came was free from contagious or infectious disease.

• By law, anyone who has been drinking is "sober" until he or she "cannot hold onto the ground."

Louisiana

• It is illegal to rob a bank and then shoot at the bank teller with a water pistol.

• You may not tie an alligator to a fire hydrant.

Maine

• You may not step out of a plane in flight.

• Shoelaces must be tied while walking down the street.

Maryland

• It's illegal to take a lion to the movies.

• You may not curse inside the city limits.

Massachusetts

• It's illegal to keep a mule on the second floor of a building not in a city unless there are 2 exits.

• No gorilla is allowed in the back seat of any car.

• Peeping in the windows of automobiles is forbidden.

Michigan

• A woman isn't allowed to cut her own hair without her husband's permission.

• Smoking while in bed is illegal.

Minnesota

• Hamburgers may not be eaten on Sundays.

Mississippi

• It is illegal to drive around the town square more than 100 times in a single session.

Missouri

• Hard objects may not be thrown by hand.

• Four women may not rent an apartment together.

Montana

• It is illegal to have a sheep in the cab of your truck without a chaperone.

Nebraska

• If a child burps during church, his parent may be arrested.

• Barbers are forbidden from eating onions between 7 A.M. and 7 P.M.

Nevada

• It is illegal to drive a camel on the highway.

• A man is forbidden from buying drinks for more than three people other than himself at any one period during the day.

New Hampshire

• You cannot sell the clothes you are wearing to pay off a gambling debt.

• If a person is caught raking the beaches, picking up litter, hauling away trash, building a bench for the park, or many other kind things without a permit, he/she may be fined $150 for ''maintaining the national forest without a permit''.

New Jersey

• It is against the law to "frown" at a police officer.

New Mexico

• State officials ordered 400 words of "sexually explicit material" to be cut from Romeo and Juliet.

• It's forbidden for a female to appear unshaven in public.

New York

• The penalty for jumping off a building is death.

• A person may not walk around on Sundays with an ice cream cone in his/her pocket.

• Slippers are not to be worn after 10:00 P.M.

North Carolina

• If a man and a woman who aren't married go to a hotel/motel and register themselves as married then, according to state law, they are legally married. 

• Fights between cats and dogs are prohibited. 

North Dakota

• Beer and pretzels can't be served at the same time in any bar or restaurant.

• It is illegal to lie down and fall asleep with your shoes on.

Ohio

• It is illegal to get a fish drunk.

• No one may be arrested on Sunday or on the Fourth of July.

• You cannot eat a doughnut and walk backwards on a city street.

• A policeman may bite a dog to quiet him.

Oklahoma

• Violators can be fined, arrested or jailed for making ugly faces at a dog.

• It is illegal to wear your boots to bed.

• Fish may not be contained in fishbowls while on a public bus.

Oregon

• People may not whistle underwater.

• One may not box with a kangaroo.

Pennsylvania

• You may not sing in the bathtub.

• You may not catch a fish by any body part except the mouth.

• No one is allowed to sleep on a refrigerator.

Rhode Island

• It is considered an offence to throw pickle juice on a trolley.

• You may not sell toothpaste and a toothbrush to the same customer on a Sunday.

South Carolina

• It is a capital offence to inadvertently kill someone while attempting suicide.

• Horses may not be kept in bathtubs.

South Dakota

• It is illegal to lie down and fall asleep in a cheese factory.

Tennessee

• Driving is not to be done while asleep.

• It is illegal for a woman to call a man for a date.

• It's illegal for frogs to croak after 11 PM.

Texas

• It is illegal to drive without windshield wipers. You don't need a windshield, but you must have the wipers.

• It is illegal to milk another person's cow.

Utah

• It is illegal not to drink milk.

• Throwing snowballs will result in a $50 fine.

Vermont

• Women must obtain written permission from their husbands to wear false teeth.

Virginia

• Driving while not wearing shoes is prohibited. 

• It is illegal to tickle women.

Washington

• It is illegal to pretend that one's parents are rich.

West Virginia

• Doctors and dentists may not place a woman under anaesthesia unless a third person is present.

Wisconsin

• It is illegal to wake a fireman when he is asleep.

Wyoming

• You may not take a picture of a rabbit during the month of June.