This is the page to come to if you want a bit of
light relief. Once again, contributions are most welcome. If you have a
funny story to tell, share it with us. We’ll post it up on this page along
with a full credit.
HERE to email us.
On this page you’ll find true stories of dumb
criminals, loopy lawyers and barmy barristers. Enjoy.
If only all criminals were as dumb as this bunch.
Keeping the peace would be a doddle!
Where’s My Wallet?
Florida man, who robbed two men at gunpoint in their homes, dropped his
wallet as he left and then called police to ask if they found the wallet.
They said they did. They asked him to come down and claim it. He did.
Did I Say That?!
Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who
just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each
man in the lineup to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll
shoot," the man shouted, "That's not what I said!"
What Is That Smell?
A New Jersey man hosted a party and long after everyone had left,
he smelled what he thought to be bodily gas. Knowing it was not him, he
quickly called the police. The officers discovered a man in the closet
waiting to commit robbery.
This Iz A Stikkup!
San Francisco: A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America,
walked into the branch and wrote "this iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in
this bag." While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the
cashier, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and
might call the police before he reached the teller window. So he left the
Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo Bank. After waiting
a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo cashier. She
read it and, guessing from his spelling errors that he was not the
sharpest knife in the drawer, told him that she could not accept his
stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and
that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go
back to the Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said "OK"
and left. The Wells Fargo cashier then called the police who arrested the
man a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of
The following questions were
taken from official court records nationwide.
Some lawyers really
should learn to engage the brain before
they open their mouths…
Was that the same nose you
broke as a child?
Now, doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most
cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until
the next morning?
Q: What happened then?
A: He told me, he says, 'I have to kill you because you can identify me.'
Q: Did he kill you?
Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?
The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
Were you alone or by yourself?
How long have you been a French Canadian?
Do you have any children or anything of that kind?
Q: I show you exhibit A and ask you if you recognize that picture.
A: That's me.
Q: Were you present when that picture was taken?
Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?
Q: Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was
your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are now?
A: I'll be three months on November 8.
Q: Apparently, then, the date of conception was August 8?
Q: What were you doing at that time?
Q: Mrs. Jones, do you believe you are emotionally stable?
A: I used to be.
Q: How many times have you committed suicide?
So you were gone until you returned?
Q: She had three children, right?
Q: How many were boys?
Q: Were there girls?
You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like, but
can you describe it?
Q: You say that the stairs went down to the basement?
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
Q: Have you lived in this town all your life?
A: Not yet.
A Texas attorney, realizing he was on the verge of unleashing a stupid
question, interrupted himself and said, "Your Honor, I'd like to strike
the next question."
Q: Do you recall approximately the time that you examined the body of Mr.
Edington at the rose Chapel?
A: It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Edington was dead at the time, is that correct?
A: No, you stupid, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing
Only one member of the public turned up for a discussion, organised by
Bath and North East Somerset Council, to find ways of combating voter
apathy. Bristol Evening Post.
The government produced an 86 page report on how to open a plastic
bag, it cost £100,000. The Mirror
Nearly a quarter of all pensioners go without meals because they can't
afford them. On the same page, another story reported that MP's (who have 15
restaurants and cafes at their disposal) want an additional restaurant on
the Commons terrace so they can see the Thames. Daily Telegraph.
25% of all reported rape victims are children.
The NSPCC have asked the government to give the police the
extra £24Million it needs to properly monitor the individuals on the sex
offender register. READ
Half of all school children under the age 11 have been a
victim of bullying. READ
Commercial music piracy rises by a third in a year
Every 32 seconds someone's home is broken into.
69% of people arrested test positive for one or more
Around 20% of successful burglaries are through open windows
or unlocked doors
Only half of all burglaries happen when a home is empty.
In many burglaries, it takes the thief just 5 minutes to break
in, steal property and leave.
Half a million vehicles are stolen in the UK
Vehicle crime accounts for more than a quarter of all reported
40 percent of stolen vehicles are never returned to their
Older cars are more likely to be stolen than newer ones
Property is stolen from cars every 13 seconds in England and
More than 30 percent of vehicle crime happens in car parks
Every year some 210,000 people
go missing in the UK
Children are five times more likely to be victims of mobile
phone theft than adults. - READ
these laws still apply so watch out. Admittedly, trying to to enforce them
would be a whole different issue.
Any person found breaking a boiled
egg at the sharp end will be sentenced to 24 hours in the village
Chelsea Pensioners may not be
You may not fish on Sundays for
All English males over the age 14
are to carry out 2 or so hours of longbow practice a week, supervised by
the local clergy.
It is illegal to be a drunk in
possession of a cow.
London Hackney Carriages
(taxis/cabs) must carry a bale of hay and a sack of oats.
If someone knocks on your door and
requires the use of your commode, you must let them enter.
A licence is required to keep a
Any person found guilty of
"harbouring a Catholic priest" can be tortured or even hanged.
Committing suicide is classified as
a capital crime.
Placing a postage stamp that bears
the Queen (or King) upside down is treason.
You can only shoot a Welsh person
with a bow and arrow inside the city walls and after midnight.
All land must be left to the eldest
It is illegal for a woman to be
topless in public except as a clerk in a tropical fish store.
MPs are not allowed to wear armour
Excluding Sundays, it is perfectly
legal to shoot a Scotsman with a bow and arrow.
It is illegal to eat mince pies on
Destroying or defacing money is
You may not make out in public.
It is legal for a male to urinate
in public, as long it is on the rear wheel of his motor vehicle and his
right hand is on the vehicle.
No cows may be driven down the
roadway between 10 am and 7 pm unless there is prior approval from the
Commissioner of Police.
A bed may not be hung out of a
It is illegal for a lady to eat
chocolates on a public conveyance.
Any boy under the age of 10 may not
see a naked manequin.
So you think some of our laws are stupid? We
haven’t even scratched the surface. The USA is awash with dumb laws that,
once again, still apply. There are far too many to mention here, so we’ve
given you a choice selection…..for now. We’ll update this shortly to give
you more laws to marvel at.
When being attacked by a criminal or burglar, you may
only protect yourself with the same weapon that the other person
It is illegal for men and women over the age of 18 to
have less than one missing tooth visible when smiling.
Animals are banned from mating publicly within 1,500
feet of a tavern, school, or place of worship.
It is illegal for a secretary to be alone in a room
with her boss.
Persons classified as "ugly" may not walk down any
In order for a pickle to officially be considered a
pickle, it must bounce.
You may not educate dogs.
If an elephant is left tied to a parking meter, the
parking fee has to be paid just as it would for a vehicle.
You may not fart in a public place after 6 P.M. on
It is considered an offence to shower naked.
It is illegal for a chicken to cross the road.
Though it is illegal to spit from a car or bus,
citizens may spit from a truck.
It is illegal for a liquor store to sell cold soft
Within four hours of eating garlic, a person may not
enter a movie house, theatre, or ride a bus
It is illegal for barbers to threaten to cut off
All bees entering Kentucky shall be accompanied by
certificates of health, stating that the apiary from which the bees came
was free from contagious or infectious disease.
By law, anyone who has been drinking is "sober" until
he or she "cannot hold onto the ground."
It's illegal to keep a mule on the second floor of a
building not in a city unless there are 2 exits.
No gorilla is allowed in the back seat of any car.
Peeping in the windows of automobiles is forbidden.
If a child burps during church, his parent may be
Barbers are forbidden from eating onions between 7
A.M. and 7 P.M.
You cannot sell the clothes you are wearing to pay
off a gambling debt.
If a person is caught raking the beaches, picking up
litter, hauling away trash, building a bench for the park, or many other
kind things without a permit, he/she may be fined $150 for ''maintaining
the national forest without a permit''.
The penalty for jumping off a building is death.
A person may not walk around on Sundays with an ice
cream cone in his/her pocket.
Slippers are not to be worn after 10:00 P.M.
If a man and a woman who aren't married go to a
hotel/motel and register themselves as married then, according to state
law, they are legally married.
Fights between cats and dogs are prohibited.
It is illegal to get a fish drunk.
No one may be arrested on Sunday or on the Fourth of
You cannot eat a doughnut and walk backwards on a
A policeman may bite a dog to quiet him.
Violators can be fined, arrested or jailed for making
ugly faces at a dog.
It is illegal to wear your boots to bed.
Fish may not be contained in fishbowls while on a
You may not sing in the bathtub.
You may not catch a fish by any body part except the
No one is allowed to sleep on a refrigerator.
Driving is not to be done while asleep.
It is illegal for a woman to call a man for a date.
It's illegal for frogs to croak after 11 PM.
It is illegal to drive without windshield wipers. You
don't need a windshield, but you must have the wipers.
It is illegal to milk another person's cow.